But I was always the one that had to learn the hard way.

I wrote this post on my Myspace blog (ouch, there, had to admit it again) last May.  It was the ONLY post I ever made private, friends only, because I knew at the time that it was nothing more than a hurt rant:

I cannot for the absolute LIFE of me figure out when it got so difficult to pick up the phone. 

We had some friendships suffer over the last year.  Not because there was a disagreement between us.  Not because we did anything aggregious to each other or because we committed unpardonable sins.

But because nobody had the balls to pick up the phone and call and ASK us what actually happened, or why we did some things that we did.  We had to find out through the grapevine and through innuendo that they were upset.

On a further downhill slide, they took the word of somebody who barely knows us at all, who heard it from someone who wasn’t involved in ANYTHING we supposedly did or said.  If you hear something from a person actually party to the incident – well, fine.  I am cool with it.  At least you are hearing one side and we know there are two sides to every story.  We would appreciate it if you would hear ours, but at least you have a primary source.  We had devil’s tails painted on us before anyone thought for a single second that their messenger just might have an ulterior motive.

Now, my share of the blame is this – after hearing that this person or that person is “upset at me”, I am not likely to go seeking them out, either.  Why? Because I feel it further legitimizes the “grapevine” mentality.  I WILL go directly to somebody if I am pissed at them.  Anyone who knows me knows that I do not pussy-foot around being righteously pissed.  I will NOT go if somebody tells me that somebody told them that such-and-such was upset at me.  First, I am not sure I have a solid basis to assume any upset has indeed occurred.  Second, it promotes the idea that instead of having the courage to confront somebody, you can just tell somebody else you are mad at them and let it wind its way through the system.  Then you don’t have to take responsibility for it.  Plausible deniability is the coinage of petty politics.

At this point, the damage is done.  They have chosen somebody else’s word over our friendship.  They have made the value judgement for me, the friendship is already broken and I have no interest in ressurrecting it.  

The saddest commentary about this whole affair, is at the stupid, ridiculous base of the matter is a difference of opinion.  Like I said, not a sin, not a hurt, nobody screwed anybody’s wife, nobody slashed their tires, stole from their wallet or slapped their kid – we just disagreed.  About a game.  And I am not even sure they disagreed with what we did, but what they THOUGHT we did.  What’s even worse, is that some of these folks were SPECIFICALLY asked for their opinion and would not give it. And then were UPSET with the outcome.

Bottom line is – got a beef?  Pick up the phone.  Want to give your opinion?  Pick up the phone.  Got a better idea?  Pick up the phone. Otherwise, I’ve got no use for you.

And, for those of you who DID take the time to call, or catch us at an event, and get the straight skinny and work things out (and this came from some very unexpected quarters).  THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.  My appraisal of some of my colleagues and their honesty and decency has risen considerably – even though we still don’t always agree.  So, perhaps there is just a balance of respect in the universe – you win some, and you lose some.

Today, I still know it was a hurt rant. 

But I publish it here, unedited, for all eyes to see because sometimes it is necessary to illustrate that those faults we find in others, we are often guilty of ourselves.  I only hope anyone reading this today will have the insight and bravery to look at their own actions and ask themselves if those faults they have criticized most in others are those that they fear most in themselves.  Are we guilty of the same sins which we condemn in others?  Is self-righteousness rooted in hypocrisy?

Are we capable of the painful self-examination necessary to know the difference?