“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” – Albert Einstein

I reached a crux with this blog where I had to decide whether or not to renew my domain name and hosting package.  Ultimately the damned aut0-renew made the decision for me (my budget, it hurts!), but my commitment to writing, unfortunately, has not been on autorenew. I have read in several place that blogs are going the way of the dinosaur, that Twitter and Facebook have taken over as the new norm, and that nobody really wants to take the time to read a blog anymore. That makes me sad and somewhat alarmed.  We have become such a soundbite nation that I fear we have been overtaken with a collective attack of attention deficit.  I don’t think it serves us very well.  Looking at snapshots leads to snap decisions, which are rarely very good ones.  I don’t think that mindfulness should ever go out of fashion. I think that slowing down to collect my thoughts was a useful exercise for me, and I don’t think my one-year attack of ennui has done me any favors, either.

But I have lost my muse to a certain extent.  Depression is only partly to blame for that, but I think the other part is I was feeling increasingly slotted into the Mommyblogger pigeonhole.  In and of itself, this does not bother me, this categorization.  I did 25 reproductive years as not-a-mommy, so I find this curious, this sudden drop into the bottomless pit of mommy-identity.   The most eloquent writers I know writing in the medium (and I refuse to use blogosphere, it annoys me), are moms, writing about their kids and about being moms.  No, it bothers me only because I find my concerns and thoughts on motherhood and my son increasingly disconnected from those of my peers.

I do not worry about my son’s mental health, or developmental states.  When he has red days, I don’t really see it as anything more than a phase.  He’s going to the public school he’s districted to go into, and I don’t really worry if it will ultimately get him into Harvard.  Mostly, really, I simply celebrate him BEING.  I celebrate the entire little person, with his individual quirks, that are just a part of  his about-to-turn-five personality and are no sign of anything bigger.  I am simply grateful that I was able to make his acquaintance.

This is not to say I do not have fears for his future and well being.  I do.  There are times when I lay awake at night, and I wonder what the hell kind of world I am leaving him.  I worry about methane levels above the Artic Circle.  I worry about dead zones off the Gulf and Pacific Coast.  I worry about islands disappearing into the sea, and animals that will cease to exist.  I worry about our utter and complete dependence on fossil fuel.

In short, I worry about the things I can do so very little about.  But the things within my control?  Well.   I just trust myself to make the best decisions I can with the information I have.    It’s gotten me this far.

This realization, that my worries and my attitudes about parenting are so very diametrically opposed to those of my peers has stricken me rather speechless.  I just don’t know that I have anything people ultimately want to read,  or that speaks to them in any way at all.   I have no greater wisdom, no advice, and surprisingly little angst about parenthood.   We are all just making shit up as we go along in a giant experiment where there are no do-overs, and yet, we produce surprisingly few serial killers.

I am beginning to suspect that my standards may be a bit low.  At the end of the day, if we are all still alive and can laugh about it, my job is done.

I can live with that.

May 28th, 2010 at 11:16 am
8 Responses to “Momentum, or lack thereof.”
  1. 1
    Laurie Says:

    I always enjoy your blog and may be the biggest lurker out there. I hope you keep writing!

  2. 2
    jodifur Says:

    I think this post is amazing, and I’m probably one of the bloggers you are talking about, that worries too much. I used to be like you and I want to get back there. I got thrust into something and am just now crawling out of it. I’m trying, but posts like this help. So thank you.

  3. 3
    Oneluckymommy Says:

    Thank goodness for sharing the celebrations of being. I was beginning to think only neurotic mommies blogged. I do have at least one other great *writer*/blogger to share with you – who also happens to be a mom, and a knitter – who reoutinely celebrates her kids (and cynically notes the phases).

    Perhaps what you need is a hard look at your blog roll? A re-focus on the purpose of the blog for YOU?! I know *I* enjoy reading you – all of your posts, not just the mom ones…you are one of the FEW in my blog reader – one of the ones I don’t want to miss when you post.

  4. 4
    kytte Says:

    *I* love your blog and you are a splendid writer with or without a kid. I read several blogs, but have no interest in starting one of my own. Part of that short attention span you understand. I guess I am just nosy about other people’s lives and the entertainment that lies withen.

  5. 5
    Beverly Says:

    I selfishly hope you will continue writing. I always enjoy reading it, and thinking about what you say. There are only a few blogs I read regularly, and they are very different. The ones I like best are those that have a great way of describing life, and are skilled wordsmiths and storytellers. You are skilled with the ability to find the words to express thoughts many of us have.

    I was thinking about you and an earlier posting of yours this evening, as I made a pot of tea for my husband and me. Taking the time to boil the water, steep the tea, sip it slowly. Nice and relaxing.

  6. 6
    Pink Pelican Says:

    I love all your blog posts.

    I like facebook as a “touchstone” sort of thing … a brief check of the pulse of my many friends’ lives. But I love reading blogs from my well-written friends for more indepth information and ideas. I love writers’ blogs, which have inspired me to keep pushing on my own writing.

    I can’t read tons of blogs (not and keep my job, anyway), but I find myself wondering how I survived without having them as another reading outlet.

    I think good stories and good writing and interesting thoughts will always have an audience. I’m positive you always will. ;=)

  7. 7
    Deirdre Says:

    I guess I don’t read the neurotic mommy-blogs ’cause I don’t think you are out of step at all.

  8. 8
    Michele Says:

    I enjoy reading your blog and I’m not really concerend about if its considered a mommy blog. Besides, women are pidgeonholed anyway.