My Level of Awareness

I was brushing my teeth, when a phrase from my son caught my attention enough for me to immediately spit out my toothpaste and peer around the door to figure out what the heck he was talking about.

Toddlers say a lot of strange phrases.  Any mother of a child in those early-talking stages will attest that they make up words and phrases by the German philosophy of linguistics - by stringing together a series of descriptives in front of the noun that most closely fits the criteria that their limited knowledge has applied to the unknown at hand.  It’s fascinating.  It’s mindbending. It’s perplexing

 And it’s occasionally downright edifying.

“Harry, what did you just say?”

“It’s Momma’s Dress Nipples.”

I shook my head.  “Excuse me?”

He spoke again, slowly, in compensation to my obvious idiocy.

“Dr–essss Nip–ppplllesss.”

And to illustrate, he held up my bright purple push-up bra.

Dress Nipples.

Obviously, the Nipples I Wear When I Dress Up.

How COULD I be so dense?

He held the bra up to my husband’s hairy chest.

“There, Daddy.  Now you are a Mermaid.”

He held the bra to his own chest.

“Now Harry is a Mermaid!”  Big smile.

“Um.  Harry,”  started my husband, “You KNOW that Mermaids are all girls, right?”

“Honey, I don’t think he has that ‘gender’ thing down yet…”  (I hope.)

So.  Uh.  NOW I know the defining characteristics of a Mermaid.  And here I thought it was the scaly TAIL.

All along it has been Dress Nipples.

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I have been on an uncharacteristic meme-fixation lately.  And I saw this one at Magpie Musing that I just could not resist.  I let her tell you how she found it.

 It’s a link to create your own album cover.

 I SO needed to indulge my adolescent lead-singer fantasies!

 It goes like this:

1. Click on this link.
The title of the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this link.
The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.

3. Click on this link.
The third picture is your album cover.

4. Take the picture, add your band name and album title and ta da!

A little Photo Shop magic and:

Coming to a virtual music store near you…

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It’s bad enough to be having serious writers block as a blogger.  But consider that 50% of my job is medical writing, and if I can’t get inspired enough about cool things, like the philosophy of life, human relationships, and the universe, how the heck can I get the juices flowing when the subject is technical sections for a clinical pharmaceutical report?

I have stared at the same passage for fifteen minutes.

Oy.

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Way, way back,  Jodifur tagged all her readers with the “what are the 7 songs you have been listening to lately” meme that was making the blogging circuit at the time.  I kept meaning to post them. 

 I rarely procrastinate, but when I do, I do BIG TIME.

So, after Great Delays, I give you the top seven songs I can’t get enough of:

1. White Stripes, “Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn”.  I am a late discoverer of the White Stripes.  I chanced them only after I got a Zune Pass, which means new stuff isn’t such a committment.  Okay, I’m a gutless wimp.  But, I am glad I did finally check them out.  I LOVE them.
2. The Eagles ”Long Road Out of Eden”.  The title track of their new (yep, new) album.  I love this album.  It’s not “Hotel California”, but quite frankly, I didn’t like “Hotel” that much back then, anyway.  I actually PURCHASED this one.
3. Anuna’s “Gaudete”.  This Irish band is also a recent find.  They are a mix of traditional Irish and liturgical music.  They have been soothing the savage breast in my office a lot in the past week.
4. Jeff Buckley’s “Halleluah”.  I know this has been VASTLY and inappropriately overplayed in the media (listen to the LYRICS, people, sheesh), but I still love it.  And it’s resonating with me lately.
5. Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon”.  My son has discovered this song with the advent of the children’s illustrated book based on it.  He likes to hear us sing it to them while we go through the book.  And it’s nostalgic enough for me that I will do it over and over again.  If that doesn’t date me, I don’t know what will.
6. Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way”.  I am a Rusted Root fan dating back from their first album.  When I am down and I need happy rhythms to pick up my spirit, I go back to the Root.  They were my “driving-with-the-windows-open” music from college.  Everyone needs that kind of music.
7. Son Volt “Trace”. More traveling music.  Say what you want about Wilco, but Jay Farrar was the real songwriter in Uncle Tupelo.  Okay, so his voice talent is a little, quirky, but I’m a Jonathan Richman fan, too.  His words speak to me, no matter how quavery the voice.

So, what’s tickling your eardrums lately?

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I think I am an anti-blogger. 

 Most bloggers seem to need a hefty dose of angst in order to be productive.  When life gets happy, the posts slow, become shorter, and sometimes stop coming completely.   I am the opposite.  I am a joyful writer.  When I am happy, the words bubble up and flow out irrepressibly.  I like to write about wonder.  I like to write about beauty.  I like the iridescent rainbow moments before the bubble bursts.

Thankfully, I don’t get depressed often.

Considering the variety of abnormal psychological profiles in my immediate family, I escaped relatively unscathed.  While I have a reputation for a temper to match my haircolor, I also tend to release anger quickly, and my temperament has remained remarkably stable for most of my life.  I like life, and, with a brief three-year exception in my early twenties, it has liked me.

That three year exception was a dark, dark, place.  It is the only time I actually used anti-depressants (which failed miserably).  I don’t know whether or not to be grateful or chagrined, but in the end, the black mood had an identifiable cause;  after my third therapy session, my psychologist, in a moment of remarkable, and rather un-therapist-like candor, closed the door, looked at me piercingly and declared that there was nothing wrong with me that jettisoning that piece of psychotic baggage I called a boyfriend would not fix.  It took me another two years to figure out for myself that he was absolutely correct.  I dumped the boyfriend, left town, and never looked back.  The weight lifted immediately, and the sun came up the next day like it had been on sabbatical for the duration.

Even in the immediate aftermath of Katrina, while I was certainly grieving, I didn’t have the same hopeless feeling of the years I spent in the dark.  It was a period more of frustration and anger than depression.  I got up every day knowing what I had to do, even if it was driving me slowly insane with repetition.  I knew I was going to make it out of limbo, it was just the maddening waiting that preyed on my patience.  It was hair-tearing and gnashing of teeth, but it didn’t have the feeling of long slow death that I associate with depression.

I am standing on the edge of that abyss again, toeing the smoky edge.  And I have been reaching down into my soul for the light and it has eluded my grasping fingers, swirling like motes of shimmering dust in the light of an afternoon window, always just out of my reach.  Life has this way of pulling the rug out from under you, right at the time you think you have made it across the expanse.  It isn’t the disorientation of the chaos that gets you.  There’ s a strange kind of calm in crisis, when the need to simply react trumps the desire to fall apart.  You put out your hands to protect you, and you fall where life takes you.

It’s not the chaos of emergency itself, but the lingering aftermath that seeps the light out of you.  Not the disorientation, but the reorientation.  It’s the slow drudgery of cleaning the bloodstains from the walls and the carpets and assessing how the carnage has changed your life forever, and then looking up to find that you are now standing in room of a hundred doors all of them shadowed and sinister, and squinting through the dark to pick that one that will lead you back out.

Into the sun.

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Whymommy, over at Toddler Planet, is facing her surgery in about a week now. 

Over the last six months, she has been taking her struggle and fears facing Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) and turning them into posts so beautiful and poignant that she has moved me to tears.  Her page is one of the first I check every morning.  She is in my prayers each night.

But this post hit me in a soft part of the soul.  Any mother who has struggled to put the best face on hard times, who has struggled to suppress fear and sorrow in the face of the overwhelming need to keep her child secure, will find resonance in those words.  There are moments that I wish I were still the child, and that the warmth and love of a mother’s embrace could soothe the hurts of my world.

But she says it better than I ever could.  Go, read, and wish her good luck.

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You have already heard me wax eloquent about my other Christmas gift - my precious, coveted Zune, which has met and exceeded all expectations (Zune Passes ROCK, Y’all - all the music you can download for $14.99 a month).  Well, as they say “And that’s not all…”

I got another gift from my husband for Christmas, ripped straight off my wishlist:

Just like my new Zune, the Finepix Z10 was one of those purely luxury wishes.  I have a perfectly functional Nikon D50 Digital SLR, that takes pictures of a quality more professional than I have any right to expect.  That’s my serious camera.  But I have been looking around in the electronics departments and browsing Amazon for a “doting mother camera”; a camera to carry in my pocket or purse (in the few instances where I actually carry one) and whip out when my son does something irresistably cute that I need to record for posterity.  Which means, something I can pretty much carry constantly in my hand.  The Nikon is a wee bit on the bulky and conspicuous side.

I so very much wanted to love this camera.  It’s cute.  It’s colorful.  It’s little.  However, tragically, it failed one of the other little requirements I had for a snapshot camera.  It has to actually take pictures.

Now, I am not talking candidates for National Geographic, here.   I am thinking more along the lines of 4 by 6 snaps for his baby book.  My expectations were not high.  But good mother of Pete, the pictures were so bad it was painful.  I have taken better pics with my mobile phone.  Noisy, grainy, with poor color - I would post an example, but I would be embarrassed to have it on my blog.  I tried, really I did.  I tried every setting imaginable, because the sheer cuteness factor was REALLY high.  But in the end, I am just not a flash-over-substance kind of gal.

Back to Amazon it went.  And kudos to Amazon’s customer service.  Because the quality was not up to my expectations (not that they MAKE the camera, mind you), they paid the return shipping.  And for a little smidgen more than the return price, I replaced the Fuji with this:

Now the picture does not do this justice.   This is a little pixie of a camera, barely larger than a deck of cards.  What it loses in sexiness, it more than makes up for by the amazing pictures that it takes.  The color depth is beautiful, and the graininess usually found in ultracompact snapshot digital images is missing.  It’s not quite up to the quality of my SLR, but it’s more than respectable.  And certainly sufficient for those little slices of Harry-life that I don’t ever want to miss.

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Because I was intrigued, I stole this meme from Midlife Mommy.  Obviously, some of the answers for my son are projected based on current plans.  Someday maybe I will show this to my son, so he knows how good he has it.  The things are true are in bold.

 The meme from my parent’s perspective (8/34):

1. Father went to college

2. Father finished college

3. Mother went to college (Dad’s mom went to “Normal School” for teaching)
4. Mother finished college (Dad’s mom got a “Normal School” certificate (teaching))

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home. (Dad lived on a farm - no TV, only books)

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children’s books by a parent.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (my mother had figure skating lessons)

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 (Mom was an only child, Dad was only boy)
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them. 

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child (Mom did - only child.  Dad did (only boy))
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course

28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16

31. Went on a cruise with your family.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

The meme from my perspective (8/34)
1. Father went to college (community college - associate’s program)
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children’s books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18. (I worked for Macy’s, so I had an employee card)
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp (one summer - Girl Scouts)
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 (I was the oldest)
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child (only girl in the house)
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.(Dad did)
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

The meme from Harry’s perspective (22/34)
1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college (twice!)
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor (okay, PhD, but not professor)
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers(when he gets there, likely so.)
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home (did pre-Katrina, and likely again soon)
9. Were read children’s books by a parent. (Every night)
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (We are starting him in music lessons)
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 (Likely)
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 (not if I can help it)
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs. (We have a 529 for him, if he doesn’t get scholarships)
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.
16. Went to a private high school (possibly, but I doubt it.)
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 (most, with some hand-me downs from cousins)
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (Oh, hell, no!)
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home (we hope, maybe not)
25. You had your own room as a child (only child)
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18. (He’ll likely have a cell)
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school (No plans for it)
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college (born too late - need OUR retirement)
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 (already has - three times)
31. Went on a cruise with your family (hopefully)
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family. (If I can help it, he will never worry about this like I did).

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…are reserved by little boys for their mommies.

“Oh!  Mommy, you have a boo-boo!  I will kiss it and make it better.”

Followed by the sweetest, softest, featherlight press of warm little lips.

And everything is so much more than better.

It is divine.

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One of my Christmas presents from my husband.  It will look very familiar:

It was something I simply could NOT have justified buying myself, considering I have a seven-month old, perfectly useful cute, pink, first-generation 30G Zune. 

But this one, despite being utilitarian black, is MUCH sleeker and sexier.  It’s 80G, which means that there is lots of room for all the movies and TV shows my wonderful husband has ripped for me to watch on my road trips.  I might even get an AV pack to use it on the hotel televisions.  And it has true touch controls.  And very sweet premium earbuds that mean I can listen to this at a volume of 1.  Yep.  You read that right - ONE.  They shut out external noise so well, that my active noise cancelling headphones are practically unnecessary.

As for the black?  Well, this cute, girly skin from Decalgirl solves that problem:

Decalgirl even gives you the wallpaper to continue the skin design seamlessly onto the display.  How cool is that?

I’m so excited, my fingers are tingling.

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