It would have been easier to post the meme today.  But, as I said, I have been contemplating the meaning of the season, and the theme I find for myself this year is the Christmas message that centers around forgiveness.

I am, as a rule, a forgiving person.  I will give a person “one more chance” long, long after my husband (and any other sane human being) has written them off as incorrigible.   As I have aged, I have mellowed and my skin has become thicker.  My tolerance has grown as the red in my hair has faded.  But this year I have gotten a series of object lessons in what forgiveness truly means.

 And I am flunking Forgiveness 101.

Christmas is there to teach us the meaning of true forgiveness.  Not only the sacrificial quality inherent in forgiving our transgressors, but the necessity of it in acheiving grace.   I have realized, in this quest, I am just going to have to flounder a bit more before enlightenment descends upon me.  Human frailty has sidetracked me.

Here’s the thing about forgiveness.   It’s easy to give it when the object of the forgivness is remorseful for what they did, when they want to be forgiven, but don’t expect it.  When apologies have been given and accepted, forgiveness becomes a way to repair, to soothe, to smooth and to move forward.  This I can do.  Even when the hurt is deep, even when the trespass is great, I can release my pain and live in the acknowledgment that we all sin against each other.

But, what the Nativity tells us is that forgiveness does not require the transgressor to be sorry for what they did.  It does not require remorse.  Request is not a requirement.  Acknowledgement is not even a requirement.  “Give” is the operative syllable – forgivness is a gift, and gifts are given without expectation of return.  The transgressor does not need to “deserve” forgiveness. 

But, boy howdy, when they don’t, it makes that high road look unattainably high.

To my shame, not only have I fallen off that high road – I haven’t even reached for it.

When the hurt is deliberate and malicious; when it has been carelessly cruel and unrepentant, I cannot bring myself to let it go.  I hold this one in my heart like a hot coal, burning with my sense of righteous anger and indignation.  I cannot forgive, and at my basest, most primal level, I don’t want to.  There is a passion to hatred that can be almost as obsessional as love, but unlike love, becomes a heavier burden as it is nutured. 

So I fail at forgiveness.  On a spiritual level, I want to release the burden.  I want to extend the hand of grace.   But I am just going to have to claw my way up that hilltop a little longer before I will get there.

And I know when I do, God will forgive me for the journey.

That’s the part that keeps me even trying.

Wishing you all Peace, outside and inside, this Holiday Season.